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Dumbest Things Ever
Said
In
Court |
The following questions were actually
asked by real-life lawyers and are taken from official court records. If
any readers know of any other real dumb or dumber things said in court,
please e-mail us at LegalHumor@legal-forms-kit.com and we'll add them to our list.
Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 2 and ask you if
you recognize that picture. Witness: That's me. Lawyer:
Were you present when that picture was taken?
Lawyer: Can you describe the
individual? Witness: He was tall and had a
beard. Lawyer: Was this a male or female?
Lawyer: Mr. Matthews, do you believe you are emotionally
stable? Witness: I used to be. Lawyer: How many times have
you committed suicide?
Lawyer: You said she had three children,
right? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: How many were
boys? Witness: None. Lawyer: Were there any girls?
Lawyer: You don't know what it was, and you didn't
know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school
did you go to? Witness: Oral.
Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you
performed on dead people? Doctor: All my autopsies are
performed on dead people.
Lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your
life? Witness: Not yet.
Lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine
sample? Witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body of Mr. Smith? Witness: It was in the evening. The autopsy
started about 8:30 p.m. Lawyer: And Mr. Smith was dead at the time,
is that correct? Witness: No! He was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy!
Lawyer: You say that the stairs went down to the
basement, right? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: And these stairs, did
they go up also?
Lawyer: Were you present in court this morning when
you were sworn in?
Lawyer: Do you have any children or anything of that
kind?
Lawyer: What is the meaning of sperm being
present? Witness: It indicates intercourse. Lawyer: Male
sperm? Witness: That is the only kind I know.
Lawyer: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the
accident?
Lawyer: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is
he?
Lawyer: Were you alone or by yourself?
Lawyer: Then what happened? Witness: He told
me, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Lawyer: Did he
kill you?
Lawyer: Did you blow your horn
or anything? Witness: After the
accident? Lawyer: Before the
accident. Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went
to school for it.
Lawyer: What gear were you in at
the moment of the impact? Witness: Gucci sweats and
Reeboks.
Attorney: Your foster son, Corey, who cooks for
him?
Witness: Oh, I do. Attorney: How often do
you cook for him? Witness: We have probably one
good meal a week. Attorney: Well, no commentary on
your cooking, but how many "bad" meals do you have?
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