Dumbest Things Ever Said In Court

 The following questions were actually asked by real-life lawyers and are taken from official court records. If any readers know of any other real dumb or dumber things said in court, please Click Here so we can add them to our list.

 

Lawyer:  I show you Exhibit 2 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
Witness: That's me.
Lawyer:  Were you present when that picture was taken?


Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was tall and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male or female?


Lawyer: Mr. Matthews, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
Witness: I used to be.
Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?


Lawyer: You said she had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Lawyer: Were there any girls? 


Lawyer: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?


Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.


Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Doctor: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Lawyer: Have you lived in this town all your life?
Witness: Not yet.


Lawyer: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Yes, I have been since early childhood.


Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body of Mr. Smith?
Witness: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer: And Mr. Smith was dead at the time, is that correct?
Witness: No! He was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!


Lawyer: You say that the stairs went down to the basement, right?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also? 


Lawyer: Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?


Lawyer: Do you have any children or anything of that kind? 


Lawyer: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
Witness: It indicates intercourse.
Lawyer: Male sperm?
Witness: That is the only kind I know.   


Lawyer: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the accident?


Lawyer: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?


Lawyer: Were you alone or by yourself? 


Lawyer: Then what happened?
Witness: He told me, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Lawyer: Did he kill you?


Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.


Lawyer: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


Attorney:  Your foster son, Corey, who cooks for him?
Witness: Oh, I do.
Attorney:  How often do you cook for him?
Witness:   We have probably one good meal a week.
Attorney:  Well, no commentary on your cooking, but how many "bad" meals do you have? 

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